Victom to Victor: How changing your thoughts can change your world

by | Jan 31, 2021 | Uncategorized | 2 comments

How dare he!  Can’t he see how angry he has made me…..

How may times have you caught yourself uttering a phrase like this in your head?  Or maybe even out loud.

How dare he …

Can’t he see …

He made me …

For me it was almost a daily occurrence.  I was heavily stuck in the victim mentality, blaming all the external for my sorry lot in life.  Not taking on any of the responsibility.  I couldn’t see that it was in fact my thoughts that was causing my issues rather than anything anyone else was doing.   Those thoughts:  how dare he…. can’t he see…. he made me …

He steps through the door with a pained look in his eyes and no hint of a smile even on his lips.  He lets out an annoyed sigh and throws his bag on his desk.

This always triggers me – “why is he always so angry”, “why does he have to bring his anger in here”, “he always brings me down” are just some of the thoughts that circulate through my mind and the anger starts to rise within me.

“Are you ok?” or “what’s wrong?” are usually my offered greeting, snapped at him with not much warmth.  The feelings of being inconvenienced rising to meet the feelings of anger.

He utters a “fine” or “nothing” and goes about his day.

Another trigger for me – because it is obvious that something IS wrong and he won’t let me help him.

Paranoia decides to join the other emotions now too.  Why?  Because I start to think “what have I done wrong”, “I have to make him happy”.

In my attempts to fix things to make him happy again, I push his buttons even more and we end up arguing.    The words don’t matter, they never do.  But I shut down – offended, hurt.   “How dare he, can’t he see how angry he has made me” permeates my thoughts as I stomp off and do the dishes in a huff.

As I stand, hands submerged in the warm soapy water occupied with a chore that needs no thought, the argument repeats itself in my mind. This time I stand my ground and argue back.  I am always more confident in my own head.  And just like with journaling, with my overanalysing, overthinking conscious brain pre-occupied with the mundane my subconscious brain is free to do what it does best.   The argument takes on many turns and before I know it I have found the real reason that I am angry and it is often nothing at all to do with the original argument or even my husband.   But yet I still hold on to the anger – because it feels good, familiar, safe.  I wrap it around me like a security blanket the comfort stemming from its familiarity and not from any good it is serving me.    And in the anger I continue to blame, I continue to question “how dare, can’t he see how angry he has made me?”

How dare he?

He dare because he is simply reacting to his own thoughts.  He is not feeling or doing anything deliberately targeted at me or because of me – in fact I have nothing to do with any of his feelings or actions – only his thoughts do.

He dare, because he is angry, he is stressed, he is hurting and I am there, pushing his buttons.

He dare, because he is human.

Can’t he see?

No.

No, neither he nor anyone can see.

No, no one can see anything that is going on in my mind except for me.  If I do not communicate that to him then he will never see.  How can he?

He sees only what I show.  When I put on a mask, that is what he sees.  When I shut down and walk away seemingly fine, that is what he sees.  When I cry in private but then fix my face afterwards, that is all he sees.  When the volcano is building up inside of me ready to explode but I keep the lid firmly in place and fix a smile on my face, that is all he sees.

And he shouldn’t be expected to see, he sees enough.  He sees enough of what is going on in his own mind, his own perils, his own hurts, his own crazy clutter.

If I want him to see then I have to take off the mask and be me.

He made me…

No one, absolutely no one at all, can MAKE you think, feel or do anything without you choosing to allow them.  Everything is a choice.  Sometimes the choice may be so impossible, that there seems like there is no choice – but there is always a choice.  If someone holds a gun to your head and says do this abhorrent thing or I will kill you.  The choice to do nothing and be killed is so impossible to fathom that it really does seem like you have no choice.  But every single thing we do is a choice.

He can’t make me angry.  He can contribute to me having thoughts that bring out my anger that I can choose to blame him for, or he can contribute to me having thoughts that evoke gratitude that I can thank him for.  But the choice is always mine.

Time to step up and take responsibility for and control of you

When you are in the moment it is so easy to blame someone else and so very very hard to see that you are actually doing it to yourself.  No one wants to admit they have THAT much responsibility, or that they would CHOOSE to feel that angry, frustrated, annoyed, sad .  You can’t possibly be responsible for all of this, right?!

Well, yeah, you actually can.  You are in control of your thoughts, which in turn determine your emotions which will influence your actions.   Sure other people’s actions can play an influential role on our thoughts but only if we choose to allow them.

Natural instinct dictates that there are times when an automatic negative thought pops up seemingly out of nowhere.  It is our brain’s way of protecting us – the old flight, fight or freeze response is still very prevalent in us today, although our saber tooth these days is actually our own mind.  However with lots of practice you can learn to more easily choose to change that default negative thought to a more positive one.

The first step is to acknowledge the power your thoughts have over you, and then taking back control

one

thought

at a

time

So what happens now….

He steps through the door with a pained look in his eyes and no hint of a smile even on his lips.  He lets out an annoyed sigh and throws his bag on his desk.

With a deep knowing that the anger is neither directed at me nor caused by me, I give him space to just be, to sort out his own thoughts and choose a more positive one.  I can’t fix it – there is nothing to fix.  I can’t make him happy – only he can, when he is ready.

Meanwhile, my thoughts turn to how grateful I am that he is home, that we work so closely together and can raise our kids together in our gorgeous home.  My face lights up in a smile that not only lifts the corners of my mouth but shines in my eyes too.  It is a genuine smile that I feel through my whole being.

He returns the smile and we go about our day, together.

If you are ready to stop being the victim in your story then book in your Free Virtual Cuppa with me and we can discuss how I can guide you on your journey.

2 Comments

  1. erotik

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    Reply

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ABOUT ME

I'm Louise, and I am an empowerment coach guiding overwhelmed mums, like you, running your own online business to find the balance between being the heart of your family and the head of your business.

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